A Diarrheassterous Date
by MoonStarDutchess
Summary: On Roy and Riza's first date, something extremely inconvenient happens. ROYAI T for humour.


**A Diarreassterous Date **

**Author: MoonStarDutchess**

**Oneshot Comedy **

**Disclaimer: I claim no ownership to Fullmetal Alchemist and the characters in Fullmetal Alchemist. I just write fanfiction, that's all, and I gain no monetary profit from doing so. I just get writing practice. **

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**A Diarreassterous Date**

Roy Mustang pulled in front of Riza Hawkeye's apartment building, unable to keep the smile off his face. Finally, he was able to do one of the things he'd been longing to do for so long; take Riza on a date. Since the fraternization laws were abolished with the election of a new council, they didn't have to worry about getting in trouble for being seen in a romantic manner. The higher ups couldn't do anything and what was even better was the fact that he was now one of the higher ups, having been promoted back to his rank as General when he came back from the North. As soon as the law abolishment was announced, their reluctance and own stubbornness about their feelings seemed to fade away, leaving Roy enough courage to ask Riza on their first date.

He parked in the parking lot and grabbed the flowers from the seat beside him before getting out, locking the vehicle, and making his way up to Riza's place. He arrived at her apartment and stared at the black steel numbers on the door a moment before lifting his hand to knock. As soon as his hand made contact with the dark brown wood, his nerves got to him. He couldn't believe it. He was actually able to date the woman that he loved! He lifted a hand to his queasy stomach and resisted the urge to hurl in the potted plant by the door, giving it quite a new and disgusting type of fertilization.

Roy Mustang, the playboy of East City, the Casanova of Central, felt like a young man going on his first date. He'd probably been on more dates than any other man in Amestris; he charmed tons of beautiful women; and had hundreds of propositions for marriages of alliances into wealthy families, yet never got nervous or excited. When it came to Riza Hawkeye, everything felt so new and thrilling. She was the woman, no, the person that he loved most in this world.

He took a deep breath and knocked again. He heard her voice saying that she would be there in a moment and relaxed. He adjusted his collar and stood as straight as he could without looking too tense or unnatural. He waited patiently as he heard her footsteps coming toward the door and Hayate barking. The lock clicked and then the door opened revealing the woman that had been on his mind all afternoon.

He gazed at her, literally feeling like he wanted to fall over at the stunning sight that greeted his eyes. His mind processed exactly what he should be saying to her as he took in the way her body filled out the beautiful blue dress she wore. It framed her shape wonderfully and he knew that every man in that restaurant would be jealous of him that night and if they weren't, they were obviously blind.

Looking into her eyes, he smiled at her and with every bit of sincerity in his heart, he spoke, "You look beautiful." It was the standard line used all the time right before a date. It was corny, cliché but if felt so right as he expressed it to her. He suddenly remembered the flowers he had in his hands and handed them to her.

"Thank you," she said, a small blush appearing on her face. "Want to come in, Sir? I can put these in some water and then we can go." She moved out of the way to let him enter the apartment and then closed the door.

Roy grinned at her. "Call me Roy, Riza," he said.

She smiled and nodded. "Sorry," she chuckled. "Calling you sir has become a habit. I'll be back in a minute." She walked away from him and into the kitchen.

Roy looked down the hall when he thought he saw something moving and spotted Hayate sitting there staring at him strangely. Roy bent slightly and called the dog who suddenly rushed to him, his tail wagging and tongue hanging open. "I'm taking your mommy out for dinner Hayate. I'll take care of her."

Hayate barked and scampered off into the living room as Riza emerged from the kitchen carrying a vase full of the flowers he gave her. She sat it down on the table and turned to him. She blushed again as his eyes stared at her.

"You are blushing a lot," he said, causing a heavier blush to grace her tinted skin. He walked up to her and cupped her face. "I finally get to take you out properly."

"Properly? You've never taken me out," she replied.

Roy moved arms around her waist and rested his hands on her lower back. "Sure I have. I've bought you lunch."

"You call that out?"

Roy laughed. "No, I suppose not," he said and lowered his lips to brush hers gently.

Riza smiled softly at him when he pulled away. "I thought a kiss came at the end of a date."

"I like to switch things up," he said with his standard smirk gracing his lips.

She smiled at him. "We should get going," she said, directing her head to the clock. Roy glanced over at it and sighed. He wanted to dally a bit more with her but if they didn't start for the restaurant soon they would be late for their reservations.

Roy helped her with her coat and they left the apartment. She locked the door and Roy extended his hand to her, which she took. There would be no interlocking of arms for them. They both found holding hands much more affectionate and, little did Riza know, she was the only one he ever held hands with. His other dates leaned on him as if they couldn't walk correctly without doing so, but Riza walked on her own. The stride she possessed showing that she wasn't a helpless woman type.

They made their way to the car and then to the restaurant. On the way they talked about various topics, seamlessly moving from one topic to the next completely at ease with each other and able to pause when they sense the other was about to speak. They perfected such skills through their years working together. They grew to know each expression, each vocal pitch meaning, each small gesture made, and what they meant. They also knew they were in love with each other; words would never be needed to express that, though they would eventually speak their words aloud anyway.

Roy parked the car at the restaurant and got out. He went over to the other side, opened the door for her, and then helped her out of the car. He knew that it irked Riza even though it was the gentlemanly thing to do. In public, it was deemed ill mannered for a lady to get out of a car on her own. Even in uniform, a male officer's conduct toward a female officer was the same way. She found it ridiculous since the task was so menial and didn't take strength or energy. However, she knew that it would reflect badly on him if she didn't allow him to perform the small gestures, so she dealt with it.

They walked into the restaurant and were seated at a table situated next to a large window. The entire dining area was surrounded by enormous, tinted windows so that the beautiful view of the cityscape in the valley below could be viewed.

"Gorgeous," she said, looking out the window at all the silver and gold lights twinkling in the city below.

Roy gazed at the view for a moment before looking at her. True, the view of the city was stunning but the view of her across from him far outshined anything outside the restaurant. "I remember during Maes and Gracia's wedding reception you said that you liked this place, so I wanted to bring you here."

Riza turned her hazel gaze to look at him. "Did your other dates like it too?" she questioned.

"I never brought them here," he said. "This place is off limits to them. You are the only one I'll ever bring here."

Before she could reply, a waiter came up to them and asked them for their order. Roy turned his gaze from the waiter to Riza. "Do you remember what it was we had at Maes and Gracia's wedding?"

"It was something with shrimp and goat cheese," Riza said.

"Shrimp goat cheese salad on romaine," the waiter supplied.

"Yes, that was it. We had that and the grilled salmon," Roy said.

"Yes, that's right," Riza said.

"All right," he said and turned his gaze to the waiter. "I'll have that."

"And for your wife?" he asked, not directing his gaze at Riza. Riza sighed at not being addressed but knew that it was just the way things were. She ignored the wife comment since it would do little good to say anything about it.

"My wife can answer for herself," Roy said, deciding to let him think she was his wife. In all actuality, it was a very pleasant thought. He could see himself going to sleep next to her at night and waking up beside her the every morning.

Riza blushed and looked at the waiter, who didn't look pleased. "I'll have the same," she said.

"Very well. And to drink?" he said, turning back to Roy. "I recommend the red wine."

"As I remember, my wife here doesn't like red wine. We will have the white 1840 Amestrdaini."

"Very good sir," he said and walked off.

"Wife?" Riza questioned, wanting to know why he hadn't corrected the waiter.

Roy grinned. "I like the thought," he said, honestly.

"Never thought I'd hear Roy Mustang say he liked the thought of having a wife."

"Not a wife," he said. "You as my wife."

Riza looked down at the table, her cheeks turning bright red.

"I never thought I'd see Riza Hawkeye blush so much," he said with a chuckle.

She looked out the window and sighed, her blush fading. She didn't respond to his comment causing him to worry that he might have offended her in some way.

"Did I offend you?" he questioned.

"No. You've known me long enough to know that I don't get offended easily. It's just wish people would stop assuming that I don't have any emotions. I do blush, laugh, and cry. I'm not a robot."

"I see," he said and reached over for her hand. She flipped hers over and they intertwined their fingers. "I didn't mean it like that. I do mean what I said about the wife comment. It's quite a pleasant thought for me. I couldn't see myself settling down with any other woman other than you."

She turned her gaze back to look at him. "It's the same for me," she said softly.

--

The waiter soon delivered their food and the two ate in comfortable silence. The food was just as delicious as it was at Maes and Gracia's wedding, and the chocolate cake they had for desert made both officers feel like they'd gained a pound eating it.

After dinner, Roy asked for the check and the two left the restaurant. They walked out to the car and as Roy was helping Riza into the car, he burped. "Excuse me," he said, "that wine must have gotten to me. It was something else indeed."

"Yeah, I think it made me a bit tipsy. I've got a slight headache."

He shut her door and went over to the other side of the car to get in. He started the motor and they began driving away from the restaurant and back toward the city. "Would you like to come back to my place and watch a movie instead of going to the theater? I'm sure I have something you'd like."

"How about we just go back to your place and skip the movie," she said with a slight grin.

Roy grinned and stopped at a light, turning his head toward her. "Just what did you have in mind?"

"We both know what we'd end up doing instead of watching the movie," she said, being realistic. They would end up making out and not even pay attention to the film.

"Yeah, my place it is then," he said.

"Sounds good," she said, and leaned her head back against the headrest of her seat.

The light turned green and he started driving once more. Roy smiled, looking forward to the events back at his place. However, that smile soon faded as his stomach gurgled and he felt an indication of flatulence developing. As always, it chose the wrong times to make its debut. He knew it was only a matter of time before the rancid air passed through his anal passage and seeped into the limited fresh air that the inside of the vehicle offered.

"Oh shit," Roy muttered, lowly, causing Riza to look at him.

"Why'd you say that?" she questioned, moving to roll down her window halfway.

Suddenly the car hit a pothole and his shit comment came true. How in the hell was he supposed to get out of the car when he'd shit himself, even though it wasn't willingly. Really, what kind of sickos would shit themselves willingly? Everyone had accidents right? It wasn't as if he said, "Hey Riza, watch this! When I hit this pothole I am going to defecate myself!"

"Crap," Riza said.

Roy's eyes widened when he heard her say the word that could also mean shit, poop, or any other form of the word for solid body excretion. "Crap? What does crap got to do with anything?"

Riza motioned her head forward and Roy noticed the traffic was jammed. He slowed down as he entered the city and stopped behind the line of cars.

Roy groaned. "I don't want to sit in this shit all night," he said, meaning both the traffic and his bodily waste.

"It shouldn't take long. These things tend to slowly drift out," she said. She then leaned back and placed one hand to her head and the other on her stomach.

"Wish the slowly drifting out applied to me," he muttered in a very low tone.

"Roy, would you mind driving me home instead? I'm starting to feel really sick," she said. "I don't think I would be very good company."

Roy turned to her and nodded. "Of course," he said, momentarily forgetting the he had unwillingly egested solid waste. He suddenly screamed at himself. How in the hell did he forget something like that. He found himself hoping that it hadn't leaked through his dress pants and onto the coat he was wearing. Hopefully, the coat would cover the stain that would no doubt make its premiere on his trousers.

"Damn, I'm even starting to smell shit," Riza said.

"What!" Roy exclaimed, as the traffic started to move. He was very on edge about the shitty circumstances.

"Yeah, bagels, and cream cheese oddly enough," Riza said. "It's coming from the café over there. I hate the smell."

Roy looked over at her side. Her window was rolled down and, sure enough, there was an all night café there. He made a note never to say he hated bagels and cream cheese again.

He turned the corner when traffic returned to its normal pace, and made his way to Riza's apartment building. He stopped in the parking lot and she quickly opened her car door and smiled at him. "You don't have to walk me to my place. I'm sorry I got sick. I ruined everything."

"It's alright, you didn't ruin a thing. Shit happens after all," he said in a light tone but inwardly he was yelling that he was the one that ruined things because he shit himself like a little baby.

Riza smiled and leaned in to kiss his lips. He closed his eyes and kissed her back before she pushed away. "See you at work tomorrow," she said.

"Yeah," he replied. She got out of the car and he watched her as she made her way inside the building. He mourned the make out session he lost with her but he had more urgent matters to attend to.

He pressed the gas pedal and sped away from the apartment building, heading toward his own house as fast as the law would allow. When he got home, he rushed out of his car and toward his house. He struggled with unlocking the door with his keys. As soon as he got the door open, he headed straight to the bathroom, taking off his coat and unbuckling his pants as he made a run for it.

--

Roy groaned as he sat up in bed, his stomach gurgling indicating more problems carrying over from last night. He had a slight fever, a hell of a headache, vomited periodically, and couldn't stop defecating. He'd been up and down all night, resulting in a full toilet and very little sleep. He picked up the phone and called the office. He frowned when Havoc answered.

"Havoc, it's Mustang," Roy said with a groan.

"Hey, chief," he said, a bit too cheerfully for Roy's liking.

"Tell Hawkeye that I can't come into work today," he said.

"Chief, Hawkeye called in sick," he replied.

Roy wasn't surprised; she'd been quite sick last night. It must have been horrible if she called in.

"I won't be in either. Take care of things Havoc," Roy said, and hung up the phone.

He slowly stood and dressed in a sweat suit. He placed a hand on his stomach as he felt it gurgle and a pain hit him. He waited a moment for an indication of potential excretion. When he felt none, he made his way over to his bookcase and found a medical book. If it were what he thought it was, they wouldn't be returning to work for the next few days.

Sure enough, he found what he was looking for, confirming his suspicions. He slapped the book down and grabbed his wallet off the table. His stomach suddenly lurched and he rushed to the bathroom to throw up.

After his date with the toilet, he grabbed his car keys and left his home. He stopped at the grocery store to use the bathroom and pick up some necessary essentials for his and, no doubt, Riza's condition.

He arrived at her apartment building, parked his car, and walked inside. He made his way up to her apartment and knocked several times. The door opened slightly and Riza peeked out before opening it fully, revealing that she was in a pair of pajamas. Her face was pale and she had dark circles under her eyes.

"What are you doing here? You should be at the office," she said.

Roy burped and sighed. "I called in sick," he replied.

Riza moved out of the way and let him inside the apartment before closing and locking the door behind her. She followed him into the kitchen and watched as he sat two bags on top of the table.

"I brought some saltine crackers, mint tea, and unsweetened apple juice," he said, then turned to her. Riza walked over to him and hugged him tightly, burying her face in the warmth of his sweatshirt. He wrapped his arms around her and breathed in the scent of her hair. "We got food poisoning."

"No shit," she muttered and looked up at him.

"I wish," he replied.

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**AN: Hope that you found this funny. Please drop a review my way if you wish. They are much loved. **


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